‘Sorry’ is easy. Apologies are hard.
How do you make things right after you get things wrong?
I’ve had an unusual week. For the first time ever, I had to issue an apology.
I don’t mean I had to say ‘Sorry’ for the first time. Like probably everyone, I’ve done a lot of apologising in my life.
No — I mean that for the first time, I’ve had to issue an apology.
As in, write an email to several hundred people apologising on behalf of the leadership of a group I’m a member of for a somewhat obtuse phrase that we’d included in a previous communication.
On the whole, I’m feeling good about it. Not about needlessly upsetting some of my colleagues — I’m hoping to avoid doing that again. But about being part of a group that recognises when it’s got things wrong, and doesn’t hesitate to apologise to those affected when that happens.
But also, I’m feeling good about the opportunity to learn something. So, I thought I’d share some reflections on apologies in this article.
Sorries are common but apologies are much rarer
I’m from the UK, where ‘Sorry’ certainly doesn’t seem to be the hardest word. It’s one of the easiest. Days fill up with dozens of sorries. People say sorry here very often — even for very minor inconveniences where, strictly speaking, nobody is at fault.
These rituals can sometimes be baffling to a literally-minded soul like myself, but I do understand how these social garnishes can help move life along while allowing others to feel respected.
However, it’s fair to say this… Sorries are common currency, but apologies — good apologies; genuine, meaningful apologies — are rare.
Why is that? And can we all do better?
A good apology has five ingredients
I’m convinced that the preponderance of poor apologies has a common root cause: the desire to brush away an issue and move on, preferably without anyone having to take ownership.
A Harvard Business Review article from 2006 phrases the problem well: “People speak of ‘a simple apology,’ but there is no such thing.”
In my own opinion, a good apology looks a lot like the paragraph below.
This is a good apology because it has five ingredients. Let’s take a look at what they are.
1. Say sorry
Seems obvious doesn’t it? But you’d be surprised how many attempts at apologies get this part wrong.
A good apology has to contain the word ‘sorry’ or ‘apologise’ in some form:
- ‘I’m sorry…’
- ‘I apologise for…’
- ‘Please accept my apologies for…’
There are varying levels of formality in the above examples, but they do the job they’re supposed to do.
Anything else is likely to fall short. That includes using the word ‘regret’. The phrase ‘I regret that…’ is a fairly reliable indicator that someone is trying to convince others that they’ve apologised but without actually doing so.
2. Own it
You can only apologise for something that you did. So, your apology needs to contain:
- the word ‘I’ (or ‘we’ if apologising for a group that you are authorised to speak for);
- a clear description of what you’re apologising for; and
- a statement accepting that you are responsible.
For that reason, any statement that opens with ‘I’m sorry that you feel/think that …’ probably isn’t an apology. In the same way, apologising for ‘what happened’ also doesn’t count.
3. Empathise
It’s an important step to acknowledge what the other person is feeling in response to what you did. Of course, this means they would need to have told you what’s wrong, so make sure you have that conversation with them first.
After that, ascertain what the emotion is on their side that’s prompted you to apologise. It could be frustration, disappointment, anger, hurt, guilt, sadness, discomfort or a mixture of many things.
Find out what it is and include it in the apology. Ask the other party for their forgiveness if that’s what the situation calls for.
4. Acknowledge what’s causing the emotion
There will always be an underlying reason why someone is feeling a degree of pain over something that you need to apologise for.
In the example above, it’s the loss of an heirloom with sentimental value. In real life, it could be a range of things including a damaged sense of esteem in one’s capabilities or efforts; a sense of the loss of something valuable, whether tangible or not; or even actual physical pain.
As with Ingredient 3 above, find out what it is and include it in the apology.
5. Say what you intend to change in future
A good apology isn’t complete without letting the recipient know why they can expect you to avoid taking the same course of action when similar circumstances crop up again. A clear statement of what you intend to change can go a long way toward remedying any hurt feelings.
What else?
There are a few other qualities that make a good apology. They’re more about the style than the content.
It should go without saying that good apologies are always sincere. But aside from that good apologies are…
- Brief: The five ingredients can be usually covered very briefly. The example above is less than 40 words long. Sometimes there is a need for a detailed explanation, sometimes there isn’t. But an ‘apology’ that’s unnaturally long rarely goes down well.
- Well-timed: At times, people do place a high value on a very quick ‘Sorry’. There’s a balance to be struck here. A period of reflection and discussion that allows the person issuing the apology to include all five ingredients is much better than a speedy but ineffective statement of regret.
- Unambiguous: An apology with a ‘but’ in it can be worse than not addressing the issue at all.
‘Sorry’ is easy, apologies are hard — but it’s always worth the effort to apologise well when the time comes.
